(These aren't my words; they're part of Seven Answers).
2. Describe a pivotal experience in your life.
That'll be the death of my father's partner of 20 years. I'm gay, Dad is too, but we've never got on. There's a history there - I'm his brother's son (my mum had an affair). So Dad heaped love on my brother and I was the one that did wrong all the time.
Anyways, Dad left Mum ages back and met E - his partner. They lived together in a caravan park and, while relations between us improved, they weren't as good as they were with my brother.
Dad and E went to Spain on holiday. E collapsed from an aortic aneurysm and was put in hospital. My brother was on holiday and Dad could not get through to him. He rang me and I let it go to answerphone. He rang again and I picked it up.
I flew out to meet him. E died and I, with my dad, organised the funeral (Dad can barely say yes in Spanish). He really appreciated that. The really strange bit was that Dad had - up to that point - never talked about E as his partner - they were always friends - I think he thought it meant he was less of a man by being gay and so he didn't want his sons to know.
That time in Spain though, he talked about how E would stroke his back in bed until Dad fell asleep, how they loved each other, their pet names, etc - I saw a side to Dad I had never seen - one that showed he was capable of love.
The time in Spain was terrible - we had to take E's passport to the British Consulate and watch it be stamped with 'Deceased' or some such (as if E was over - finished with), we had to carry E's ashes back to England and had issues at customs - and most of the time Dad just cried. I was pleased to be able to step up to the mark and support him.
And that changed everything. My relationship with Dad is now on an equal footing as that which he has with my brother (although they are very different) and Dad for me is a friend - not a distant father - someone I can talk to about anything.
Monday, 20 February 2017
Friday, 17 February 2017
Seven Answers X: A House
(I've never met this house. It's one of Seven Answers).
3. Tell me about a house that was important to you when you were a child.
My best friend at primary school lived in a hotel. It was three huge Victorian houses joined together, plus another one, The Annexe, across the road.
When I went to stay the night, aged seven, we visited her granny upstairs. You didn't know where you would end up with the back stairs of the hotel. I called the granny Mrs Lang. She lived in a dark brown area called her flat, it had folded wooden screens to change the shape and size. She wasn't brimming over with chat and adoration towards children like my granny was, but silent and not at all friendly. I wondered if I was doing something wrong.
There were chambermaids who were very smiley. They seemed quite young and small, with very short skirts. They lived in tiny little rooms, we didn't go in, they came out to chat, one one of them had a baby living in her room.
The front stairs just went the usual one floor up at a time and were huge and grand but also brown and dark. There was a shiny little brass lift which we weren't officially allowed to touch as it was all too easy for one of the 'residents' - very old tiny ladies with Pekingese dogs, fur coats and hair dyed red or black - to get stuck between floors if you opened the gate a bit.
On the first floor was the ballroom, the most enormous room you could be in, with dusty gold twiddly framed enormous mirrors. It looked as though nothing had been painted since the hotel opened in the 1880s. When we were teenagers we went to the New Year parties my friend's dad organised. He often seemed drunk and had no idea who I was - Is it Arlette? he said.
Later we drank in the hotel bar ourselves and once saw Cliff Richard there, wearing a plum crushed velvet suit. And once, the Wombles.
My friend is still my friend. Her parents went bankrupt and the hotel closed down in 1978. It was full of dry rot. All the profits in the early years had been used to send the granny and her sisters on Grand Tours, where they did watercolour paintings of the pyramids, and there were no profits in the 1970s. Now it's housing association flats but some of my dreams are still set there.
A couple of years ago, looking at mysterious spaces made of folded brown panelling in the Louise Bourgeois exhibition at Tate Modern, I was transported back to the slightly scary fascinating dark brown crumbly faded grand interior of the White House Hotel.
3. Tell me about a house that was important to you when you were a child.
My best friend at primary school lived in a hotel. It was three huge Victorian houses joined together, plus another one, The Annexe, across the road.
When I went to stay the night, aged seven, we visited her granny upstairs. You didn't know where you would end up with the back stairs of the hotel. I called the granny Mrs Lang. She lived in a dark brown area called her flat, it had folded wooden screens to change the shape and size. She wasn't brimming over with chat and adoration towards children like my granny was, but silent and not at all friendly. I wondered if I was doing something wrong.
There were chambermaids who were very smiley. They seemed quite young and small, with very short skirts. They lived in tiny little rooms, we didn't go in, they came out to chat, one one of them had a baby living in her room.
The front stairs just went the usual one floor up at a time and were huge and grand but also brown and dark. There was a shiny little brass lift which we weren't officially allowed to touch as it was all too easy for one of the 'residents' - very old tiny ladies with Pekingese dogs, fur coats and hair dyed red or black - to get stuck between floors if you opened the gate a bit.
On the first floor was the ballroom, the most enormous room you could be in, with dusty gold twiddly framed enormous mirrors. It looked as though nothing had been painted since the hotel opened in the 1880s. When we were teenagers we went to the New Year parties my friend's dad organised. He often seemed drunk and had no idea who I was - Is it Arlette? he said.
Later we drank in the hotel bar ourselves and once saw Cliff Richard there, wearing a plum crushed velvet suit. And once, the Wombles.
My friend is still my friend. Her parents went bankrupt and the hotel closed down in 1978. It was full of dry rot. All the profits in the early years had been used to send the granny and her sisters on Grand Tours, where they did watercolour paintings of the pyramids, and there were no profits in the 1970s. Now it's housing association flats but some of my dreams are still set there.
A couple of years ago, looking at mysterious spaces made of folded brown panelling in the Louise Bourgeois exhibition at Tate Modern, I was transported back to the slightly scary fascinating dark brown crumbly faded grand interior of the White House Hotel.
Thursday, 16 February 2017
Seven Answers IX: A Dream
(I don't know whose dream this is; it's one of Seven Answers).
1. Please tell me about a recent dream you've had.
In my dream I am in a room along a corridor, a bit of a cross between a house and a hotel as there are lots and lots of rooms but the decor and feel is quite homely. The house expands as I explore it and turns into a warren of tunnels. At this point there are no other people about but noises in the distance that I try to follow and locate the source of. These are not threatening or scary but elusive and continually move away. Eventually I get outside and find that I am on a campus, with lots of people running hither and thither. The sheer number of people carry me away, and somewhat panicked I lose my way. With rising dread (although no specific threat) I run around until finally finding myself back in the room I started where I shut the door and relax.
1. Please tell me about a recent dream you've had.
In my dream I am in a room along a corridor, a bit of a cross between a house and a hotel as there are lots and lots of rooms but the decor and feel is quite homely. The house expands as I explore it and turns into a warren of tunnels. At this point there are no other people about but noises in the distance that I try to follow and locate the source of. These are not threatening or scary but elusive and continually move away. Eventually I get outside and find that I am on a campus, with lots of people running hither and thither. The sheer number of people carry me away, and somewhat panicked I lose my way. With rising dread (although no specific threat) I run around until finally finding myself back in the room I started where I shut the door and relax.
Seven Answers VIII: A Memory
(The story below isn't mine and I've no idea who wrote it. It's one of Seven Answers).
6. Describe one of your early memories.
hen I was three years old I was run over by a car although 'run over' may not be the right phrase.
I was at a cricket ground where my father was playing and to amuse myself I was jumping off a low wall surrounding the pavilion onto a gravel drive and then running up the steps and repeating the process.
As I jumped off for the umpteenth time, a car was cruising along and stopped when the driver saw me. Unfortunately he came to a halt on one of my feet and so I was trapped under the wheel. To make matters worse he froze and was unable to move the car off my foot. As my screams reached the cricket pitch, several players ran to the car and had to bodily lift the car while the driver sat paralysed with fear. I was taken to hospital and my leg was put in plaster up to the knee. My parents were told that I should make a full recovery but had I been a little older the bones would have been crushed beyond repair.
6. Describe one of your early memories.
hen I was three years old I was run over by a car although 'run over' may not be the right phrase. I was at a cricket ground where my father was playing and to amuse myself I was jumping off a low wall surrounding the pavilion onto a gravel drive and then running up the steps and repeating the process.
As I jumped off for the umpteenth time, a car was cruising along and stopped when the driver saw me. Unfortunately he came to a halt on one of my feet and so I was trapped under the wheel. To make matters worse he froze and was unable to move the car off my foot. As my screams reached the cricket pitch, several players ran to the car and had to bodily lift the car while the driver sat paralysed with fear. I was taken to hospital and my leg was put in plaster up to the knee. My parents were told that I should make a full recovery but had I been a little older the bones would have been crushed beyond repair.
Seven Answers VII: A Wish
(Read about Seven Answers).
5. Tell me one of your deepest fears or wishes.
My greatest wish is for all human beings to find true contentment, not through material gain buy by realising that we are all connected and part of a greater consciousness, one that doesn't 'do' but just 'is.' Maybe my greatest wish will transpire for everyone if I can just find such contentment myself, is that how it works?
5. Tell me one of your deepest fears or wishes.
I have plenty of fears but try not to dwell on them as they are so inhibiting despite nearly all of them being irrational.
My greatest wish is for all human beings to find true contentment, not through material gain buy by realising that we are all connected and part of a greater consciousness, one that doesn't 'do' but just 'is.' Maybe my greatest wish will transpire for everyone if I can just find such contentment myself, is that how it works?
Wednesday, 15 February 2017
Seven Answers VI: A Fear
(Learn more about Seven Answers.)
5. Tell me one of your deepest fears or wishes.
That I have to attend my children's funerals. To have to choose what to wear and get dressed. That I would have to get through the day with the greatest pain and wonder how the hell I stay alive for the rest of my life.
5. Tell me one of your deepest fears or wishes.
That I have to attend my children's funerals. To have to choose what to wear and get dressed. That I would have to get through the day with the greatest pain and wonder how the hell I stay alive for the rest of my life.
Seven Answers V: An Encounter
No idea what this is all about? Let me explain.
4. Describe a romantic or sexual encounter you've had.
I talked to someone online for quite a few hours the other night and we seemed to get along really well. A lot of internet stuff is quite tawdry and rather cheap, however, [...] was immediately engaging and appeared, as far as you can tell from words on a screen, really genuine and interesting.
Jump forward 24 hours as we had arranged to meet up and see if we got along. The fact that he was late wasn't a good start, however...
He is Albanian, [...] is, but been over here for about five years. He works as a care worker in a home. We talked from the moment I met him, as we walked ([...], a bike and myself) along the sea front in the icy cold and continued as we went to a pub overlooking the sea (sans bike!). A dimly lit pub, with candles and a view of the promenade and the beach.
We continued talking all the way back to Hove - me overshooting my normal turn-off for home so that we could carry on.
4. Describe a romantic or sexual encounter you've had.
I talked to someone online for quite a few hours the other night and we seemed to get along really well. A lot of internet stuff is quite tawdry and rather cheap, however, [...] was immediately engaging and appeared, as far as you can tell from words on a screen, really genuine and interesting.
Jump forward 24 hours as we had arranged to meet up and see if we got along. The fact that he was late wasn't a good start, however...
He is Albanian, [...] is, but been over here for about five years. He works as a care worker in a home. We talked from the moment I met him, as we walked ([...], a bike and myself) along the sea front in the icy cold and continued as we went to a pub overlooking the sea (sans bike!). A dimly lit pub, with candles and a view of the promenade and the beach.
We continued talking all the way back to Hove - me overshooting my normal turn-off for home so that we could carry on.
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